I have always wanted an Ancient Greek athletes torso, on a black plinth, for my sideboard. Like this...



But they aren't very affordable.

I know from from a prior experience, it's no good finding a bargain from a dealer within Greece itself because the export permit side of things is a woeful saga of complication and extortion - alongside potential extradition, prison, and fines if a single official stamped date or typed/written character is so much as vaguely blurred. It was so complex I considered just selling it back at a loss or leaving it behind in a skip.

Most of my objets' d'art are out of crackers.

Nothing wrong with that. Some of mine are small rocks I've brought back from beaches.

I have one of those '50s shelves-in-box (it's called a "Gaybox") with various bits-o-cr*p on it.

I'll see if I can find a picture of it when it was on the wall of my old flat.

I haven't heard of it, but would probably recognize one. 

I myself have a small Perspex box on a metre tall white plinth, containing a lipstick marked yellowing used condom and its contents. With the date of, well, manufacture I suppose. Artists initials.

A friend of mine gave it to me, and I rather liked it, so it's in the hall. Goes ever so well with the Neiman.

It's meant to produce conversation about how few people use protection for oral sex when really, all things considered, if you thought about it you really always would.

An interesting collection of pieces. You can talk us all through them and what inspired them if you have time.

Is that a partially eaten cake down there in the bottom right hand corner?

I'm creating a key to the above picture with Preview as I speak.

I've got one of those too, a 3x3 matrix. I'll post it after you've presented your Key.

The light/wiring in that hallway is b*ggered or I'd take a picture of it. 

It can look great. The Neiman, a couple of terracotta theatre masks, the condom piece, a carved chest from Zanzibar with a terracotta base/white shade lamp, full length mirror, white wicker chair, and a Persian runner. White walls, white muslin door curtains, white carpet - which I am going to clean when I've worked myself up to it because it looks like a rugby pitch in the rain just now. 

Normally a plain glass vase with some white stargazer lilies on the go (no more thanks to Covid-19) and three West African tribal weaved baskets finishing things off. One containing Moroccan slippers in jewel coloured soft suede for guests to wear, one containing sunglasses, one containing chewing gum, tampons, lighters, keys, things to be grabbed quickly on the way out of the door.

My rule about coats and jackets not belonging in the hall is regularly flouted, as are rules about trainers and football boots. More than once I've gone ar*e over t*t when innocently trying to get to the kitchen. It's a bit of a jumble sale out there now, and my large fake banana tree that I can't be bothered to place on the terrace is an obstruction we are just working around.

I have been considering a brutalist gilt sculpture for out there too. This kind of thing...



It would echo the patterns on the West African baskets, so they'd become a motif running through different types of objects.

I should probably get the wiring and the carpet sorted out first. The last lilies are now dead and still in/draping out of their vase, from which the water has completely evaporated. It's all adding to that 'life after people' effect.

Too big for a little flat but I do like this...

I can't get a decent picture of mine by artificial light, I'll take one in the morning.

What a great collection. It's like a miniature museum.

"Households with Miniature Museums take us through their Personal Collections" would be an ideal BBC2 concept.

A few weird glitches though.

Only one - the orange string text. That was a surprise because I thought it was red Kabbalah string. And the porcelain piece I thought was the icing from a cake.

I think it was the Kabbalah connection that made me keep it.

As joke.

I might get a Minton tile, smash it in half with the spike of a stiletto heel, glue the whole thing together and display it under the title of "F*CKING B*TCH WITH 2020 VISION".