I've just vacuumed the stairs and the whole upper floor.

I think it was a mistake to do it on such a hot day

Vacuuming in hot temperatures is a real trauma I must agree. I haven't done it since 2013 when I learned a comprehensive lesson. I had to undress, lay myself out on the bathroom floor and fan myself with a National Geographic.

Today's housework observation by way of Tanya Towers is about polishing silver. I've just had a telephone conversation with my son that went thus...

Me - did you polish the silverware?

Him - yeah

Me - did you put the tub of silver foam back under the sink?

Him - yeah

Me - you're a fu****g liar, it wasn't under there to start with. You haven't bothered have you?

Him - I can't do it, it hurts my arms and my wrists

I'll have to do it myself.

cosmictanya wrote:

Me - did you polish the silverware?

Him - yeah

Me - did you put the tub of silver foam back under the sink?

Him - yeah

Me - you're a fu****g liar, it wasn't under there to start with. You haven't bothered have you?

Admirable interrogation technique!

Quote :

Him - I can't do it, it hurts my arms and my wrists

Did it myself late last night when I got back. When I woke up I wondered what on earth had happened to my hands. Manicure ruined - looks like I've been in a coal mine.

He's broken his own picket line and returned here after storming off to his grans earlier this morning declaring that modern slavery is something they debated in school.

Apparently she's been cleaning too - this involves smashing a Hoover round as if she's got a thing against walls, doors and furniture, and and wiping everything down with malt vinegar - she read in a magazine that a touch of vinegar was good for cleaning.

We've all tried to tell her it meant a few drops in a lot of water, but she just pours bottles of Sarsons around and its absolutely eye watering. Evidently being made to watch Miss Marple was the final straw for him. I'm now under strict do not disturb instructions.

A productive hour or two of housework and some planting has been completed. I have sprinkled the hydrangeas with a G&T, which they always respond well to. I won't cut them or anything until a weight of evidence decides things either way about what and when that should happen.

As a finishing touch I've just painted Lanvin D'Arpege body lotion on the lightbulbs and turned them all on for an hour, vacuumed Florentyna talcum powder (M&S) into the carpets, vacuumed Chanel No.5 talcum powder into the Persian rugs, and lit two of my new oud wood and geranium candles.

My muslin drapes were coated in filth/pollution. The top sections looked like coal sacks (I imagine). Now they're all white again. I think I'll change the furniture around in the living room next week - I haven't been able to relax in here since I swapped things round last year.

I think I'm allergic to Cillit Bang. Headache, nausea, a feeling of faintness, and a rash. Has anyone else come across this?

I've always prided myself on my strong constitution and my lack of allergies to everything except lobster, and direct skin contact with hydroponically cultivated still damp skunk.

Well that was a very unpleasant episode. I've been lying down in the dark, breathing like someone in labour, with an Aunt Bessie's frozen Yorkshire pudding over each eye, held in place with a long sock.

I'm nowhere near recovered but the acute phase has passed. Sean will be sleeping in the living room tonight - he may as well not come. I'll need a cold, dark, silent room with the window wide open.

cosmictanya wrote:

I've been lying down in the dark [...] with an Aunt Bessie's frozen Yorkshire pudding over each eye, held in place with a long sock.

World's cheapest flotation tank alternative.

I don't know what that means. I'm on the verge of calling an ambulance. I'm looking at online advice. The puddings have been binned because they defrosted and soaked the sock.

I've adapted a pair of tights for the same purpose, with a very tight knot to press into that slight dip on the left eyebrow bone. As with all my headaches, that's where the agonizing, surgery without anaesthetic, serial killer armed with an electric drill style pain is centred.

I now also think that what I thought was a blue plastic coated block of cistern bleach that had fallen under the pipe, may in fact have been a blue plastic coated block of rat poison that came from a box which had a skull and crossbones sign.

I've just read about a man who went to bed with similar symptoms and woke up with sepsis. He had one and a half arms amputated as well as both legs.

I spoke to an absolute cow on the NHS helpline who, ran through a list of irrelevant nonsense and then asked when I last ate and what it was. Couldn't answer either part of that, but conveniently a jar of pesto was in the fridge. Strangely I do feel a bit better. I think I'll have something delivered.

After sitting on the floor to watch television, I've realised that every carpet and rug in here needs to be deep cleaned. Again. I'll be doing it all myself with soap, and a tangle teezer to help the deep scrubbing process. I'm kind of looking forward to it.

If I'm very careful about positioning so they don't plunge to the ground, I'll be able to hang the rugs on the terrace and beat them with a tennis racquet before they are placed back on immaculate carpets and the intense scrubbing of the rugs can begin.

Yesterday I spent 1½ hours vacuuming the whole house, and scrubbing the kitchen floor. It's all sparkling clean now.

Can you see your dinner in it now?

I still haven't done the carpets and rugs, as planned on March 22nd there. I miss Mrs Caballeros. She was fab.

One of my pillowcases seems to have disappeared from the horse. I had all four out there and now only three. I've looked over the edge and it isn't anywhere within sight.

I think I'm going to have to wash all the curtains again. It's a pain in the a*se taking them down and hanging them back up, waiting for them to dry, draped everywhere, ironing them.

I should've used the lockdown to paint all the window/door frames etc, because they're looking a lot less bright than I like. White gloss here, we aren't a discreetly tasteful matte household.

The tools to clean the carpets have now been identified, collected, and gathered in the kitchen for almost a fortnight, so I'm getting closer and closer to doing that.