Bit of a scene in here this evening, but £80 tax free for a set of curtains and another load of whites from two doors down. My new Fairy non bio in all its varieties goes well with the glowhite. Everything felt like silk when I took it out. I wish I hadn't included an ironing service.

Does anyone here have a Vax Platinum? My vacuum cleaner isn't really up to standard. I had hoped to use the lockdown to bring my flat back to the immaculate standards I expect of it but it's worse than ever. The carpet in the hallway is a particular disgrace. It's not even close to white any more.

All I've got is a little Hoover.

I have really terrible luck with hoovers, which is a shame because along with dusting and polishing, it's the only housework task I enjoy.

I bought one of those handheld ones - despite being charged for days on end, it has next to no power. An upright thing failed - they said no refund because I was using talcum powder on the carpet for scent diffusion. Surely that should be ideal. I had mountains of Chanel No.5 powder all over the floor and a broken appliance incapable of doing its one task.

Three replacements failed within one week. Etc.

The carpets in here look absolutely great this morning. The vacuum, Vanish and tangleteezer, vacuum - repeat twice, along with a final scented vacuum, has offered a result never even hoped for.

My mother is so rude.

A request for items to be donated to a charity shop - I went out to my storage unit to find a reasonable 30 items. A handful from each category - jackets, coats, shoes, dresses, trousers, etc. Good designer and upper end high street stuff, with a few imports bringing up the rear - and a purple Versace for H&M minidress. I took it all over to hers just there - her boyfriend left me to struggle up and down to the car with it. When I got in, I found my son also sitting there on his iPad - he hadn't bothered to help either. She was out, fetching a takeaway, or a bring round in Nightjar speak.

In addition, for her 'no black' funeral invite tomorrow I took a brightly checked hot pink and green blazer by Gestu - I have myself only worn it twice. A pair of Manolo Blahnik green heels I don't like was also offered. When she eventually arrived back she dished up all these fish and chip portions without even looking at anything. Said she'd already decided on an outfit. I asked her to try on the blazer and shoes - they're 'too high' and were kicked off across the room while she found fault with the epaulettes on the jacket - 'can they be removed?'

Throughout all this, the only thing her boyfriend said (other than offering me something he called a 'fritter' - covered in batter) is 'f***ing hell'. My sons only contribution was in response to this and was 'they're always like this, you get used to it'. I'd barely finished saying 'you nasty little c*nt' to him when my mother royally kicked off about how I had wrecked her happy and relaxed family dinner. I only went round there in the first place for charitable purposes. I'm going to ring in her a bit to demand an apology - once I've had this cigarette I stole on the way out.

To make matters more offensive, I also took round a long flowing camel coat I'd bought her a couple of years ago, and placed in storage when I decided she didn't deserve it, along with a navy Longchamp bag for her to keep, and an old photograph of us when I was about 2 years old. Didn't even say thank you. I was treated as less than something on the bottom of their shoes.

What the f*ck is the point of a 'fritter' in batter? Google tells me it's just fried potato - why the f*ck would anybody want to batter a humble potato? Who'd ever have the inclination? This is the first cigarette I've smoked in a few months - it doesn't taste very nice.

Ooh, I really fancy a 'fritter' now.

Or a rissole.

I now have a craving for Spam fritters.

And the Spam fritter shop's closed.

I do wonder with some morbid curiosity what this potato in batter 'fritter' was supposed to be though.

I suppose because CT point-blank rejected it with downright scorn we'll never know.

I mean, was it like a hash brown, or perhaps even a rösti?


In which case...

The Call of the Wendigo wrote:

And the Spam fritter shop's closed.

You could deep fry a Wagon Wheel in a batter of tap water and Birds custard powder.

Nightjar wrote:

I do wonder with some morbid curiosity what this potato in batter 'fritter' was supposed to be though.

I suppose because CT point-blank rejected it with downright scorn we'll never know.

I mean, was it like a hash brown, or perhaps even a rösti?


In which case...

I think it might be a potato waffle, with a coating of batter.

Yeah, well, if so, that sounds so wrong that it's shocking.

Insulting frankly.

Almost like if someone suggested you deep fry a Wagon Wheel in a powdered Birds custard batter at a perfectly, lushly sophisticated dinner party replete with timeless and myriad archetypes of exotic, sexy strangernessness, in Rome, on the terrace of a perfectly crumbling, dissolute 16th Century palazzo wherein libertines had done all sorts of stuff - and then - under a Moon magnified by a mist of magical mysteriousness had then...

Well, all sorts of nonsense.

It's a wonder you didn't just firebomb the place immediately after.

Bitchy! Although that all sounds very appealing.

I'm on hold now having missed my vaccine appointment. The estimated wait time has been 3 and a half minutes since shortly after 2.40pm.

I asked my son to do one thing - to pick up a couple of the blue block tablets that go in the cistern on his way home. He arrived with a plastic container of turquoise gel, that had to be pierced and assembled and arranged over the rim - it doesn't even fit. 'Place directly over the flow of water' - that would be the back of the pan, which the 'cage' (according to the instructions that's what its called) that had to be constructed isn't able to reach.

Just to say, I was thinking of the two resident Essex people here today, when choosing a colour of Valspar paint. I couldn't decide between 'Wings of Pegasus' and 'Aphrodite Rises', when I noticed they had shade called 'Barking Creek'. We're having 'Wings of Pegasus'.

What's that? Wings of Pegasus?

Does nobody else find Barking Creek a strange name for a shade of paint? I considered looking to see if they had 'Springtime in Jaywick'.