Because I like to sleep with the window open I was woken up early this morning, due to the echo of a neighbour violently vomiting. The noises were straight from central casting.

I had come to rely on a regular wake up call comprised of the sound made by a neighbour who yawns in a loud and long and exaggerated fashion just before 7am each day.

In one of my previous flats the downstairs neighbour would begin the day at 5.50am by farting very loudly. Sometimes his girlfriend would be awake and I'd hear her giggling indulgently.

It was 2005. In my diary I used to call them Cut Price Spice and David Peckham.

But do we know for a fact who dealt it?

Now that's true. It might have been her.

I am nothing but a big fart sexist.

Literally worse than Hitler.

Something something Arschwitz.

Gift (of) Gas


Too soon?

Burpin'-Belchin'.

Furzenwald

We have an especially objectionable new neighbour. His security detail and some photographers have made a nuisance of themselves. He’s been out jogging, to rub his presence in. I’ve restrained myself from shouting abuse out of the window. I thought the pig was moving to a moated mansion in Oxfordshire.

Someone has been having work done this week. Starting around 8.30am each morning, a noise that sounds exactly like steel drums being played begins, and it goes on, and on, and on. Todays is going strong now, and they haven’t even stopped for lunch. I’m considering going to a hotel in a different area.

You might be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire - at this hotel I had thumping on the ceiling every 3 hours, night and day, on Monday and Tuesday, and someone walking up and down the room up there literally hundreds of times this morning. And loads of shrieking babies across the corridor.

CT wouldn't be staying in a Travel Tavern though.

She'd probably go to that gargantuan eyesore Holiday Inn on Cromwell Road.

Or the futuristic dustbin/R2-D2 alike Sheraton.

Where she could have a gold-plated kebab at Salt Bae for a modest £1000.

Nice and quiet yesterday evening - until new upstairs occupants checked in at 12.30am.

Fellow-guest-wise this is the worst week I've had since I went nomadic nearly 2 years ago. I'd prefer a Saturday night Paisley wedding party to this.

We’ve had all kinds of antisocial scum here recently, what with the new neighbours dragging the place down into the depths.

One of the houses here in my parents' road has bunting outside!