In the supermarket the other day I was stuck in a slow moving queue. After moving away as much as possible and sighing and turning round, I eventually said to the woman behind me 'kindly remove your trolley from my ar*e - I can only go as fast as the person in front'. 

She removed it and then decided to say quite snottily that she hadn't heard me and could I repeat myself? 'Don't give me that' I said, 'and by the way the contents of your trolley aren't going to help you lose any of that excess weight which, along with having your ears cleaned out, should be your only priority'. 

What kind of ignorance is required to ram someone with a trolley and then try to act as if you've been hard done by when they object?

I was compelled to bring my car to a sudden sideways stop to block the ars*hole behind me from driving past before I'd made my point. I had to drive right by three viable spaces because this idiot wouldn't give me a spare centimetre between the last traffic lights and my street. 

I had my Visa card on the dashboard which my son snatched up and stomped off with. Apparently it's "embarrassing" to rush from your own car with a cigarette in your mouth while trying to open someone else's car door and telling them what a fu**ing a**ehole they are. This bas*ard of a driver managed to lock his door before I dragged him out by his blow dry. 

I'd cancel the card but it'll take days to get a replacement.

I've just taken a look at myself in my long hallway mirror and I do look excellent with my new shorter (and slightly messy) Maitlis hair, with dark root dyed in. Black silk woven blazer (sleeves rolled up to display my tan, gold Boucheron watch and solid gold bangle - all glinting in the sunlight), black vest, charcoal jeans, red Converse high tops. Big Versace sunglasses in the Tupac style. At least that's something. I'll look good on his dash cam.

A market stall knock off, and an excellent buy...

What a ridiculous news item with all that's going on - Caitlyn and Ella have taken on Burger King and McDonalds in the battle against free toys in bags of junk food. On the 6'o'clock news!

Viewers in the South Today region can see even more on this at 6.30pm. I wouldn't like to live next door to those two do gooders in years to come.

Weather from Burton on Trent. It just gets worse. Who approves this sh*te? They might as well just get Kirstie Allsop on to tell us the news using a range of old trash she's picked up around Devon farm roads.