On Friday night I made lamb koftas in nice Turkish bread with a nice salad and nice home made yoghurt and mint sauce and with nice sour Peter Parker borked a pack of pickled peppers.

It was however very rich and slightly overwhelming in the très exotique taste department, so the following day I had a craving for something blandly British and settled for Bangers & Mash! Macaroni! Bangers & Mash! cannelloni! Give us a bash of the Bangers & Mash me muvvah used to make!

I decided to have it with peas and onion gravy.

However...

To be continued (with accompanying pics illustrating the final apocalyptic result).

Continued...

The grand affair visualised and virtualised the process of actualisation began in earnest.

I had however had a few sherbets so I launched in with a somewhat weevil-may-care attitude and - since I was bl*nking starving (never a brilliant idea to start with as it means you can get ahead of yourself) - some degree of haste-over-speed.

Then, as I had the spudulikas on (cut too small with too much boiling water )...

I checked the freezer for the peas...

There were non peas.

But, reluctantly, I had a tin of baked beans so decided on that instead.

So, I took the spuds off the heat, drained them, but failed to notice that although I'd cut them into very small bits they weren't fully cooked through and thus retained excess water.

I then put my onion gravy on and in my flustered state added more salt to it despite it being made with nice Marigold bouillon with salt in already.

The gravy was, despite being perfect in all other ways (consistency, spicing and onionyness), thus overwhelmingly bitter with salt.

Then I fried my sausages, but in the same frying pan as what I'd made the gravy in meaning the small amount of gravy residue burnt as the bangers sizzled meaning I had to open the door and windows to stop the smoke alarm going off yet again.

Then I mashed the spuds with lots of butter and despite them already lacking volume and fluffiness added some cold milk which made it thin and gloopy.

I then added lots of cheese to it in a vain effort to give it some body.

Now for the construction of the dish...

I slopped on the mash, which immediately pooled in a collapsed slough.
In dismay and defeat I just poured the beans on with an air of resignation.
I chucked on the vege-bangers with no particular care in a w*lly nilly fashion.
I remembered, with a despondent sigh, that I'd made gravy.
I poured a load right in the middle despite the whole dinner having no vertical dimension whatsoever and that was now rapidly spilling over sides of the plate.
I then put on sauce and pepper.

1) Error 1: watery spuds
2) Error 2: no peas
3) Error 3: replaces peas with sloppy baked beans
4) Error 4: overseasons gravy
5) Error 5: makes a catalogue of errors in mashing spuds
6) Error 6: burns gravy residue smoking out flat
7) Error 7: in a state of despair I threw everything on the plate ensuring the whole dish became, at the edges of the plate, a circular cascade of mush like a garden fountain but with beans and mash and sauce.

Picture to follow...

It was delicious.

At least there was a happy ending.