The TV version of it's on ForcesTV right now.

My god - I've just come home to find several candles lit and left alone, an empty wine glass on the side, a fresh strip of Valium that's had three removed, and vintage Emmerdale Farm blaring out of the television.

My mother has let herself in and was fast asleep in my bed. I woke her up to ask if she was trying to burn the place to the ground, whereupon she told me to eff off and went back to sleep.

I've never liked Emmerdale - I'm watching it now in shock.

Four packets of Golden Wonder Salt and Vinegar and three multi fruit Actimels stuffed behind cushions as well.

Oh I recognize two people - Frank (whose death was the only time I've deliberately tuned in) and Darryl from Birds of a Feather.

Someone called Vic has put his prices up 15% and Zoe Tate needs £30,000 to start a business. What a load of old ****.

I've not seen it since they modernised it by dropping the 'Farm'.

Is Seth still in it?

Don't know who that is. Vintage Coronation Street has come on. Mike Baldwin is driving a Jag and Bet Lynch is in the shop talking to Butterfield.

I remember watching this in other people's houses while it rained outside and thinking that if I had to sit in Emily Bishops back room, with her for company, I'd kill myself. She's on now, embroidering and reminiscing about drapery shops in Weatherfield.

Audrey Roberts = Butterfield. I wonder how she ended up with that accent. Nobody else on the planet sounds like her.

I recall reading a theory that modern day southern USA accents are believed to be closer to Tudor English than modern English accents are because the metropole moves faster. Maybe a real breakthrough in understanding has been missed - maybe they all sounded like Audrey and she's our key to our own history.

Now to see what's on the telly right now.

In Star Trek: Voyager, the doctor creates a holographic family, so he can understand humans better.

After that, Dr Russell investigates the death of a technician.

The Face of Fu Manchu is on TalkingPicturesTV at 10 o'clock.

I don't know if I've seen that one.

He wipes out an entire village, with deadly gas.

The Mothman Prophecies is on Paramount at 9 o'clock.

Second time in as many days I've seen Princess Anne on the news. Can't recall seeing her on anything for several years. Bit obvious. I hope we aren't going to be collectively landed with the bill for the scheduled marriage of Bohtruss.

The larger sister - the one with no top lip, had promised to go big on 'asking the question' about human trafficking and modern day slavery, so presumably poor old Anne is going to be rather busy over the next few months covering all these absences.

Now to see what's on the telly right now.

Doctor Dolittle is on Film4 right now. It is the Rex Harrison one.

Captain Kirk's fighting the salt-sucking monster.

After that, the crew of Voyager come across aliens who think they're descended from people from Earth.

You only have to read those two summaries to see why Old Star Trek is more popular than Voyager.

After that, Commander Koenig is up against aliens who want to take over the moon,