I've got me tablicks.

I'm on the beach, wearing seaweed on my head.

I'm going into town for delicious hot weather food that will probably upset my tum. Mini pork pies, cheese pasties, potato salad, little tomatoes, French cheese, that sort of thing.

Termarters Tomatoes aside, it all sounds very rich and... dense.

Hmm, I wonder if that explains the past stomach troubles.

Maybe I should get some nice cold chicken, or a vegan pork pie from Holland & Barrett?

Termarters Tomatoes aside, it also all sounds very calorific.

Shortcrust pastry on the pies, flaky, buttery pastry on the pasties, mayonnaise on the spudulikas and cheese and cheese and cheese.

Eat it very slowly, young Lady.

Instead I got some sliced chicken, avocados, a piece of Brie and some falafels.

It's Bank Holiday Monday!

Yes, I think we had the best of the weather on Saturday. I'm not coming down to the beach hut today, I'll stay at home and watch films on television.

Is it the Late Spring Bank Holiday today?

It is currently a sunny bank holiday.

This beach hut really needs a sweep out. There's all cobwebs in the corners.

We should come down here each Easter Monday for a brisk walk along the beach, and tidy the hut up while we're about it.

We were lucky with the traffic today, weren't we? I thought we'd still be sitting on the Clacton bypass by now.

It was good idea of mine to get the Central Line to Theydon Bois and meet you on the M11 slip road at Hobbs Corner near Fiddlers Hamlet.

What an old romantic you are. I'm a bit upset you met Fangirl at what I thought was our special location, but happy bank holiday to both of you anyway.

Normally we meet outside Smoker's Junction.

Four times in a row my mother rang and rang while I looked for the phone. Pressing redial is what she does until a new activity presents itself. You know without seeing the screen that it's her when the second attempt immediately follows the first. That continues until she gets bored, whether you're in the shower, in the loo, having sex, speaking on another line, entertaining a guest, instructing a workman, or discussing something with a neighbour.

Unsurprisingly, now that I've found my phone, she's not answering - her other favourite telephone related move.

Well, we'd better be locking up the beach hut again till August.

Come on Nightjar, let's get you back to Theydon Bois.

Can't you drive me back into Central London?

I've got the tummywobbles.