What did you dream about last night?

Horribly busy. Charity work, music, fights, telethon, Judi Dench, a mass shooting, a fire exit.

Oh, that took it out of me. I was doing charity work in a local office of some kind. A lucky team of us were chosen to attend a Live Aid style event to work/represent the charity. While setting up, tensions overflowed and they all revealed they hated me - for all kinds of reasons, such as my having banned Christmas.

Hurt, I turned instead to the others backstage for company. I was laughing with a young guy as he pointed out who was who among a band preparing to go on. Judi Dench was the late queen, and came up to say hello before she went out on stage. I half said ‘good luck’ before remembering the rule.

So I wished her a ‘great time’ instead, and continued talking to this guy. We heard cracking and he said don’t worry it must be lightbulbs popping or part of the act. But the screaming overtook us. As I turned I could see Judi and the rest of performers shot dead on the stage, blood running, and a gunman advancing.

The staff at the members bar were screaming, and one was shot point blank. Then I noticed a fire exit. The guy I was with said no, they might be waiting on the other side of it. The masked gunman was now right ahead, with more coming behind him. I said to him it’s now or never and pushed against the door bar.

As it slammed behind us we fled down a spiral staircase, down and down and down, and there was no escape door. So we just lay there at the bottom, hoping they wouldn’t follow us, while we heard the sounds of people being shot above and a stadium full of thousands of people given over to panic. That’s when I woke up.

I had a dream about Asda. In order to swap something, they said I couldn’t do so in any Asda but instead I had to take a taxi to Bromley where I would find a ten storey department store that could do the exchange.

On the slowest moving escalators in the world, I encountered all kinds of people, from Spanish students who interviewed me to a couple of property developers who wanted to talk about their problem tenants.

The store itself had lovely art nouveau fluted chandeliers of an iridescent glass type. Then I found myself back in another taxi, with only a £5 note left, and the stress of knowing I was going to have to do a runner.

The stress became overwhelming, which is what woke me.

I dreamt that I got a job maintaining the M74. But no vehicle was provided, so every morning I had to walk glumly south from Glasgow along the hard shoulder before reaching the sign or whatever it was that I had to clean that day.

I had an epic dream about civilisation collapsing, and then rising again, which ended with me in the pit of forgotten memories from Inside Out.

I had a dream about wiping mould from my kitchen wall.

There wasn't very much of it.

In relation to Kate Middleton, whose medical troubles have roused my sympathy and which conspiracies about have amused me, she appeared to me in a dream.

Specifically, I was at her funeral. GSTK obviously first, then Guide Me O Thou Great Redeemer was the hymn, before a live performance by Celine Dion of ‘Think Twice’.

Just FYI - it wasn’t at the abbey, but St George’s. The children were screened off, up in Catherine of Aragon’s oriel window. Don’t know what the meaning of it all was.

I was seated right behind Elton’s wig.

I dreamt I was wading in a placid river next to Tebay services (northbound). At one point the water got too deep, but I merely lay back and kicked a couple of times to swim to the bank.

In the amenity building I was surrounded by affectionate cats, and the effort of stroking them dried my clothes off.

That sounds really nice. I like relaxing dreams. May all your dreams be relaxing ones.

I dreamt that I was visiting the NHOTW house, which was an old student house that my friend 'D' used to live in in 1989, and D was also the Princess.

The neighbours, who hated the NHOTW housemates, were releasing insects into the house to harrass them, so D/Princess took me to a nearby pub to recover.

But when we got up to go, I caught other hatas in the act of stealing my purse. I grabbed their thieving wrist in a death grip, and when I woke up, my hands were in that exact position.

I was racing around a Marks and Spencer, filling the trolley with juices, smoothies, and boxes of lollies. I was grabbing them from other shoppers hands and trying to stop what I already had falling off the heavily overfilled trolley.

I woke up with a terrible thirst.

The other night, I had the weirdest dream of my life, in which I turned into a gorilla and took to living with a family of gorillas who'd taken residence in my bathroom. I could speak to them in gorilla language and impressed them greatly by showing them how to open and close the window.

What's a "gorilla"?

Do you mean golirra?

Yet again dreamt I was in prison. The staff were being really obnoxious.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt that I was in the same room as Chrissie Hynde, and I excitedly told her that although I wasn't a huge fan, I did like "Hymn to Her".

I bet she was thrilled.

I dreamed that there were North Korean generals in the wardrobe, planning a war on the UK, and I was trying to work out how to contact the police without them hearing me do it, or leaving the flat. So I was wandering around different areas of different rooms, trying to work out where I could speak without them knowing.