What did you dream about last night?

I had the supermarket dream again. But it was Sainsburys this time, instead of the usual Tesco.

I dreamt that due to some ill-defined pandemic, everyone was assigned to live with people they only knew online. We NHOTWers formed just such a unit. I was our designated driver, and PrincessBorgles was annoyed because he wanted to do the driving instead.

Was I going "are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet?"?

I was hunting for semen around Glasgow to add to a casserole I was making with two thirds of the cast of Birds of a Feather. I went to a hospital, where each male member of staff and patient was invited to provide their offering into my bucket.

The hospital was a historic one, with a gift shop. Lots of chemotherapy patients were in my way as I made my way through the grounds, hoping for bucketful of the required ingredient and worrying about how feasible it would be,

It was inedible - to me, but not to Dorian or Tracey, and not to Kat Slater from EE who turned up to eat our efforts. I gagged strongly on the result.

Later, Sharon Theodopalodoupololadopoupololos turned up to guide us around a department store beauty hall she’d redesigned. It was in a vaguely rococo style.

There was an argument that broke out at one point between myself and Dorian. I had gagged, as I say - at this point it was revealed that part of the meat was pig meat. And I said of course, to which Lesley Joseph scoffed at me. I said ‘but you’re fully Jewish - I am only of partially Jewish descent, so how can you possibly eat that muck without gagging while my gag reflex immediately kicked into gear?’

The beauty hall redesign was quite tacky. Black painted panelling with gilt accents.

There was a very distinctive rotting sweetness to the meat, which I knew wasn’t all the semen…

Several years ago I had threatened to sue a restaurant in Brussels for serving me lasagne containing pig (not a dream sadly) and I recognised the tang as soon as I put it in my mouth in this dream. In reality, I had been forced to call a waitress to explain this unexpected sensation, who then called the chef to defend his cooking, who then called the manager. They gave me €500 cash to go away and never return, which I took, ending up in a very fun drag club in a garret flat, which remains one of my top recommendations to anyone going to Belgium…

Chez Maman - just looked it up. On top of a gay club/bar.

It was horrible.

Last night, I dreamt that, in order to achieve max fitness, I'd decided to run everywhere, instead of walking. Consequently, I was running constantly all through my dreams.

When I woke up this morning, my calves were killing me, as though I'd been running for ages.

Even though I'd not been running at all.

More sightings of the Sheffield Sleep-Runner
Heron Foods night workers shocked
'She came barrelling out of the ginnel like a comatose mad thing,' gasped Gleadless insomniac

Last night, I dreamt that sharks don't really look like that. That they're wearing shark costumes and no one really knows what they look like inside the costume.

I don't know what I dreamt about last night but, when I woke, I had the phrase, "The monster was alien," in my head.