Forty eight hours without food is not a long time.

Fangirl, are you living in a hotel?

I've never found anything in the Linda McCartney range at all palatable. Her sausages are especially horrible, and they have the look and texture of badly circumcised c**ks.

I am living in a hotel, yes. I do 2 weeks at a time, then I spend 4 nights at my parents' house where I do my laundry and attend to my post, prescriptions etc.

Is that not very unsettling? I thought you'd bought a place in Scotland to live in. Hotel life must take a stressful toll. Wouldn't it be cheaper to rent a flat than to keep shelling out on hotel rooms? A months rent surely wouldn't surpass the cost of a fortnight in room rates.

It is a bit unsettling, but at the same time it's exciting. I'm doing the same old job each day, but in a variety of exotic suburban Glasgow locations. And I enjoy the challenge of working out the minimal amount of things I need to travel with, and likewise which ones to keep cached in my storage cubicle here.

As to the expense,

Rented flat scenario
Rent 2-bed flat 850
Utilities (including latest rises) 183
Council tax 67
50 sq ft storage 190
TOTAL 1290

Hotel scenario
5 nights at family seat (expenses) 31
25 nights Premier Inn (average) 1425
Costs for food inefficiencies 80
0.5 round trips to Scotland (average) 70
305 sq ft storage 836
TOTAL 2442

(There are other expenses which are the same in both scenarios and which I won't bore you with)

You can see it's the storage cost that's really dragging me down. However, I'm still breaking even because I've got the yield from the money I got from selling the house.

So, my reasoning is that I can afford to extend the hotel scenario for as long as it takes to find an acceptable place to rent. Knowing myself as I do, I'm sure that the definition of 'acceptable' will change if I get fed up with pretending to be Alan Partridge.

Are you entertaining in these hotel rooms? I always try to get a local round on night one to test it all out properly. Hotels are thrillingly anonymous and therefore quite exciting.

Zero minutes between key in door and proceedings beginning is my best personal record - I'd arranged it online and he was already in the bar waiting for me to check in. I can't recall his name (I feel like it might've been Josh now I think of it, or maybe Jordan), but he was a 19 year old squaddie who was on leave and staying with his parents nearby - 8/10.

The room itself was barely a 6/10.

I have to make my own entertainment

Bound to be a businessman away from his wife for the night that can help you out.

Well, I did report water dripping from the bathroom ventilator a couple of days ago, and yesterday a burly maintenance man came to look at my fan.

A promising start. Call him back, and tell him you'll spare him a teabag if he's thirsty.

This morning two burly maintenance men turned up at 9, and they explained that one needed to go into the loft to fix the issue.

So very soon one of them was on top of me banging away, while the other stood by shouting encouragement.

Did you get good fan service?

Suffice it to say that my fan has stopped dripping.

I've just had a Buttery Nipple.

This is it. I'm about to make a pizza from scratch - including the bread.

I shall be using mushrooms and haslet for the topping.

The bread shall be made from flour, milk, imitation butter and water.

It shall all be cooked in the microwave.

This is going to be epic.

Seriously, I'm afraid.

To be honest, it could've turned out better.

Microwave bread seems to turn out better when you cook it vertically, rather than horizontally.

When you microwave it horizontally, it tends to come out less raised and more paste-like.