What's in the News?

It used to be £300 in cash till one day I realised I'd gone a month without going to the cashpoint even once, so I reduced the amount.

I don't know where you find the energy for the concentration required to not mislay it

It's in my purse which is in my bag. It's not that complicated.

I tried opening various Mastercard card accounts online today, but every single provider told me to do one

I got round this in the end, I now have 3 Mastercard cards and 3 Visa ones, I think that's enough backup.

Who's paying for all these fortnight quarantines? The DWP? SME's picking up the tab and if they run out of money tough? This morning it's anyone who's been in the vague vicinity of Milan.

We should probably just accept that we're all going to die at arms length without so much as a sip of water, having been forcibly locked in our houses by people in biohazard suits.

I've heard it said that pneumonia from respiratory complications is about as good as it gets, so there's that. It could be worse, it could be Ebola. I think the health sec should adopt that snappy slogan.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-51634774

Poor Prince Andrew. Yet another old friend with the same proclivities now in the slammer.

Hopefully we are edging closer to finding out why he wasn't breathalyzed after crashing his car through the palace gates, and why his daughter escaped prosecution when she accidentally slashed someone's face open with a sword.

I'm sure we used to laugh at the Hussein family and feign astonishment at how they got away with their exploits across Baghdad.

I'm not anti or pro monarchy. I like the Queen, I like Charles actually. My proposal is that the monarch lives in Clarence House, the offices are all centrally housed in St James's Palace - and there are clocking in cards at this location, with part time or full time commitments of each royal to be agreed with the relevant government dept.

Everyone aside from monarch/consort can be housed in apartments at Kensington Palace. A single location will make it much easier and more cost effective for the police to provide security.

Buckingham Palace to be demolished. Seeing as it's a) very ugly, b) needs huge restoration work, and c) is evidently riddled with asbestos and dodgy wiring this seems best. The gardens can then form a lovely public park. Conveniently, this also solves the visual disfigurement of the horrible wall/barbed wire ramparts at Grosvenor Place. The flamingos on the lake will make a striking feature for Londoners to enjoy.

Some key rooms can be reconstructed at new museums to be opened across the country to display the art collection. The balcony section of the frontage will make an interesting facade on one of these glittering new institutions. The friezes at the back likewise. Special collections like all the Faberge stuff and Diana's wardrobe will make beautiful attractions in their own right.

Windsor Castle - complete with contents, archives, and the entire Great Park flung open, perhaps becoming an official national park - and only ever closed for State occasions. The various secondary residences there can provide glamorous homes for some of the aforementioned specialist collections.

Their private properties are of course their own, but security at them should be vastly scaled down and only provided on a firm and transparent needs basis.

While all this is going on, Andrew himself can be taken to Harmondsworth detention centre pending assurances from the United States that he will be granted a fair trial. Handily, he'll be able to see all this exciting renewal in Windsor Great Park when he takes off from Heathrow, so that'll be interesting for him.

We should swap him for Anne Sacoolas.

We should. That would be a very fair swap.

We should carry out all of my suggestions for streamlining, repackaging, and sharing the cultural treasures of the royals. In my humble opinion, it's an audacious plan of great sophistication, and would in fact revitalize them as philanthropic connoisseurs committed to all kinds of positive things.

I am not joking.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-51719838

He just can't help himself. Football matches, rallies, court appearances, tropical themed swimming pools - all become arenas of violence when this person arrives. I think a long stretch with a focus on formal education and psychological treatment is in order. All these little sentences must be costing a fortune, which he should be billed for. This behaviour cannot continue.

Nobody on this forum has ever heard of that person.

The northern Irish chief medical officer sounds just like Jim McDonald from Coronation Street so he does. I was in the kitchen and came through specifically to see why Jim was talking solemnly about coronavirus.

007's latest outing, 'No Time To Die', has been delayed until November because of all this!

https://www.whatsonstirling.co.uk/news/2020/03/05/stirling-landtrain-named-choo-choo-mcgoo-/

https://www.theguardian.com/media/2020/apr/14/the-sun-woman-attraction-to-chandeliers-not-a-sexual-orientation-ipso-says

A woman in a long-term relationship with a 92 year old German chandelier has been told that her attraction to historic light-fittings is not considered to be a protected sexual characteristic.

Does that happen to you?

I've never been to Turkey, and I have plenty of facial hair.







Oh, you mean, do I look at men without beards, and err....

They're scrapping the Argos catalogue!

Does this mean the end for those tiny pens as well?

Where did Argos get those pens from? Were they made specially for them?