Beeping hell, the first semi-final lasted 2 hours and 12 minutes. Do I have to sit through all that for the good of the forum?

I'm not watching it, I like to keep the songs fresh for 88 the Saturday.

I'm going to watch the semi but there may be some fast forwarding involved. I'm going to see if I can get it down to less than an hour.

It's started with the traditional music that Katie Boyle would have recognised at once.

Meaningless stuff involving cats and graffitti artists.

Woman with more freckles than any human being should be able to possess.

"Live chat is not available for this video."

I wonder what it's like without BBC commentary?

Four women presenters.

It takes four of them to do the job of one Katie Boyle.

"Good morning, Australia."

Terrible, over-protracted intro.

Now they're speaking foreign.

Even though English is the international language of love.

Aberzaibanjo are on first.

Boring footage of a balloon.

I can skip this bit.

She's on. She's lying on her back.

Now she's sat up.

She's all in white.

Lots of mist and fog and stuff.

Staccato non-tune.

Usual Eurovision dance anthem with bits of Katie Perry and Cannonball by Miley Cyrus.

"I'll never stop op op."

Is she actually singing the word, "Cannon ball?" She's not even trying to disguise what it's a rip-off of.