What are your neighbours up to?

The people a few doors down have been having some kind of vulgar party in their garden and garden hut. They started about 7pm yesterday and two of them are still out there talking and swearing.

They had a similar occasion back in February if I remember rightly.

How come they can be partying all night in the middle of the week, that's what I'd like to know

A neighbour across the gardens is using American flags as flower box swags. From a garden party she horrified everyone at with her technicolor 'Southern belle' ways, we all know she's a raging Republican reprobate (and donor), one who refused to speak to suspected 'eye raynyan' guests.

A third neighbour has been circulating a petition to point out that such bad taste isn't appreciated. It's arrived here and is on the mail table in the lobby until tomorrow morning. I don't know whether to sign it. I do agree, but it's not really my way.

Her hair is genuinely offensive. Large, waved, hairspray overdose. And she wears these dreadful skirt suits in awful colours like yellow and lilac and fuschia. American tan tights. Make up an embalmer would be proud of - that sort of fake peach to look lifelike.

A flurry of excitement outside. Tooting taxis (at least eight or nine), engines running and doors banging, sparkling young things, shouted arrangements, laughter and happiness. It's been like a scene from The Great Gatsby.

I hope no-one will be found floating in the swimming pool this morning.

I hope they all are.

My downhill neighbours - the ones who were putting cones out a couple of months ago - have dug up their front lawn and put black weed fabric all over it.

This has made me very uneasy. I don't know what they're planning, but  I bet it's bad news for yours truly.

Are they building a driveway to park their car on?

That is my fear

But I can't see why weed control would be needed - their garden is like 2ft above the road, the soil would all have to be removed to make the ramp anyway.

Isn't that a Good Thing? Taking their car off the on street parking, so more space for the FG3000-mobile?

Could they be throwing gravel down instead of grass? I'd ask them if you're concerned. Disguise it as genuine interest. Guilt trip them over climate change into relaying the lawn. Grass looks much nicer.

A few weeks ago it came to my attention that my favourite Italian neighbour a couple of floors down has given in to his tarty girlfriend who has been pestering him for a dining orangery. It's to be built on top of a jutting out bit of the roof of the flat below them.

Having seen this woman's taste on display over the last year I was worried enough to offer my services to help her choose something 'just right', and that's been accepted. If I wasn't feeling unwell, she'd be coming up this evening to discuss it some more.

I suppose I could ultimately just object to planning permission but that seems kind of underhand. I'll try this first and see if her tastes can't be tamed.

I was talking to another neighbour this morning - he rents his place out for six to nine months a year while he spends tax deductible time in Beirut. This latest lot have scarpered after six months having only paid him one month and the deposit.

He's cursed with bad luck when it comes to tenants - the daughter of a Serbian war criminal was using it as a brothel at one point. I was sick of my buzzer going at all hours 'wrong floor' I'd say, 'try ...'. Thankfully a tabloid busted her so that was that.

WhatDoesThisButtonDo? wrote:Isn't that a Good Thing? Taking their car off the on street parking, so more space for the FG3000-mobile?

I'm just thinking of the disruption while it's being done. Also, since they have two cars, unless they block one of them in, there'll be no net gain in parking spaces.

Now the steam from their combi boiler is blowing into my garden.

It didn't used to annoy me before, but now...

They've now cut a hole in the middle of the weed fabric and planted a plant, so presumably they aren't going to drivify the garden.

The plant looks like a young pampas grass. I'll bring you more on that as I have it.

Having never seen it, I did say yesterday it sounded most likely that the grass was being swapped for gravel or other hard surface. I suggested guilt tripping them over climate change before things went too far.

Perhaps it's time to say directly to them that on seeing the pampas, you were transported back in time to 1972 and are therefore hoping to be invited for prawn cocktails and an orgy.

Fangirl Three wrote:They've now cut a hole in the middle of the weed fabric and planted a plant, so presumably they aren't going to drivify the garden.

The plant looks like a young pampas grass. I'll bring you more on that as I have it.

Sounds like they're lulling you into a false sense of security to me.

My neighbours have got the builders in, so they're tramping up and down the side passage all day, and banging van doors and playing the radio loudly.

And it's my first week off work for 5 months

These are the same neighbours who put the 'NHS KEY WORKER PLEASE DO NOT PARK' cone outside their house.  

And then moved it so the builders could park

Those builders were here again today. I am unbelievably fed up with my neighbours.

Some t*t across the 'quadrangle' of flats has a smoke alarm that's running low on batteries and thus emits a frequent squeaky bip like a rubber soled shoe on lino.

Been going on for days it has.

How can people not know that there's a device emitting an annoying noise in their own flat?

I remember it happened where I lived at my last flat.

Eventually, I located which flat it was (across the road) and rung their doorbell to draw their attention to/make them do something about it.

The woman I spoke to just said "ohh, I wondered what that noise was".

F*rking builders are still here, and they parked much too close to my car this morning.

I went next door and politely warned Mrs Neighbour that if there was any repetition of this, I would be displeased.

I hate going and giving the neighbours warnings, it makes my legs go all shaky.